Why Love Literally Hurts

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I am full as I am. Thanks for stopping by. I am doing the exact same thing Amber is doing!

Choice is a fundamental part of life. None of those things are qualities of someone you want to be with romantically or platonically.

8 Signs You Love Him Too Much

No phone call or email, not even a text. Why do people ghost? The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it and the more likely they are to do it to someone else. Since you don't have friends in common or weren't introduced through some other channel, it's not the end of the world if you just drop off the face of the earth. For many people ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more. When someone we and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? No one deserves to be blown off. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your takes a hit. Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the as physical pain. Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system SMS that monitors the for cues so that we know how to respond in social situations. How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem. The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Smith, and Wager, T. Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences PNAS , 108 15 , p. Acetaminophen Reduces Social Pain: Behavioral and Evidence. Psychological Sciences, 21 7 , p. Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Calibrating the sociometer: The relationship between interpersonal appraisals and state self-esteem. Journal of and Social Psychology, 74, p. Response of the μ- system to social rejection and acceptance. Molecular , 18, p. Perceptions of physical and psychological aggression in close relationships: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17, 6 , p. If you had that long of a relationship, you had plenty of evidence of a relationship and expectations that the other person would be present and interact over any problems that arise. You didn't get fooled. They changed who they are. I've seen a friend committed to marriage, suddenly get divorced, switch to lesbian who looks like her ex-husband , and drop all her closest friends. Sometimes people break with themselves into a new identity when they can't handle their own problems directly. Sounds like you were on the receiving end of that. Has nothing to do with you whatsoever. You were available, if he'd come to you with his concerns. I have a good friend who recently experienced ghosting. She really thought she had great connection and he just disappeared after several months of dating. She's pretty depressed about it coupled with the fact that it happened around the same time of a potential job layoff. She feels devalued and used in the workforce as well as in her personal life. I hate to see her this way as shes more hurt by the ghosting than anything else, and I feel powerless to help her. No matter how much I tell her about her great qualities, she remains deeply saddened that the guy disappeared. She tried to get a response from him but to no avail which I guess makes the pain even greater. I don't know how to help her other than to let time pass for her heart to heal. It happened with someone I was deeply in love and trusted 100%. He would disappear for months at the time because, according to him, he had his own issues that he wanted to solve them alone. Years later, he admitted that he had other women and even had fathered a child during those awful years. Trust me, your friend is better off than spending years with a coward that takes her for granted. Ghosting is one the cruelest things one human being can do to another. When you've shared so much of yourself with a person, it's going to hurt that they no longer want you in their life. But when they appear not to even value you enough to have a conversation when they clearly know the great pain that will cause is traumatic. However, maybe it will help your friend and others to remember there are a limited set of reasons someone ends a relationship via ghosting: cowardice, selfishness, immaturity, a pathological disorder, or just plain evil. None of those things are qualities of someone you want to be with romantically or platonically. When she feels the pain creeping in she should try focusing on that. It won't make the pain go away completely and in my experience, it never does - but it will lessen it. And to all the ghoster's out there, if you have even the tiniest bit of a heart then please, please change your ways. It's never too late to reach out to someone and apologize. Even if it's been years it will make them feel a lot better to knee you cared and you just might find you feel a lot better too. Just be direct so both of you can move on. They just don't seem to want you to know the truth, thinking you're the one who needs to learn a lesson. I block their phone numbers and email address. I feel they have overstepped my boundaries. They initiated the breakdown by insulting me. As for the person who commented about someone walking after 30 years of marriage. That does happen but when it does there is so much more to the story that we're not getting. Ghosting is where the Ghostee has NOT provided any reason whatsoever for the Ghoster to split, instantly as if by magic. Ghosting is NOT someone moving out of a shared apartment. If you live together there's a reason he or she split. Ghosting is NOT a spouse without notice of intent moves out in the dead of night and cuts off contact. Accepting my definitions as accurate for my purposes they are , I confess I have ghosted women, and they have ghosted me. Note: Many times my ghosting morphed into a plain ol' breakup, where we talked things out and explained why the other lost interest in pursuing a relationship. Bottom Line: Ghosting is not as nasty a device as the author and some commenters think it is. Ghosting does NOT apply to relationships. IOW ghosting is not the major emotional event this article and the comments attempt to make it out to be. If you date on a regular basis, sooner or later you are going to be ghosted. That's the way the weenie wobbles folks. I happen to disagree with one premise though. We didn't even have the least bit of an argument and then I was ghosted. She waited until I was at work and removed most of her belongings and never gave me an answer. Sometimes people are just cruel. It is that simple. Is it a cruel method? It is weak and proves a lot about the person in my opinion considering our circumstance. Let me share my story real quick, but not in too much detail I hate when people type 3902343242 words lol. We lived together and I was ghosted. We did everything any other normal couple would do. Made love, hung out and laughed, went out to eat, sat home and watched tv, etc. Only had one semi argument and in the middle of it, she got up, got dressed and said she'd be back. She came back the next morning. I knew where she was and we talked. Fast forward a few weeks ago. We had a normal week. Thursday we went out to eat and just laughed and talked like we always did. About each others day, etc. Went home and watched Netflix. She fell asleep on my chest and we went to bed. Woke up Friday, both got ready for work like we always did. She did this Friday. During the day she texted me like she always did and i texted her back. When I got home on Friday, she wasn't there. She texted me and said that she was over her friends house having a few glasses of wine and that she would be home in a little while and that she didn't want me to think that she went missing. Betrayal, heart breaking, etc. It is the cruelest form of mental abuse that I have ever endured. That my friend, is the mark of a true coward, a scum who can't deal with their actions directly. You have no way of knowing for sure if you hurt the feelings of the ones you dated. But it doesn't matter right? Well, let me tell you... I could understand it if it happened after one date - two at most. After that, it means you had a good time with the other person, talked about yourselves, started bonding - and if you find out in the 10th date you want to stop the whole thing, you absolutely don't stop answering suddenly and play dead. You inform the other person of your decision, and only engage in these practices if the other person acts crazy and does not accept it. I found out later that it was because I hadn't reacted the way they thought I would to about where our relationship was. Since they felt rejected, they opted to let the relationship live in limbo by pulling away, but not outright cutting it off with a conversation. And they could have avoided confusing me as well. It's difficult to wrap your head around it but it's about self worth. Think of everything you want to do in your life, make a realistic plan to do it, then do it. This puts you back in the drivers seat because at the moment you feel controlled from the outside which is intolerable. Could be travelling, learning something new, career, hobbies, new skill.... Some ppl feel this behaviour is ok, but I know I could never behave like that myself, so in my world it really doesn't meet the standard. As stated in the article, you're better off with someone with whom you have compatibility and who lives by the same rules as you do. Seems to me this is a trendy new term to further put pressure on people to stay in relationships they don't want to be in because the other person feels victimized about being rejected and can't cope with it. I've been a 'ghoster' and a 'ghostee' and both positions are unpleasant but hasn't anyone ever heard of 'all's fair in love and war'. There's no 'good' way to break up.... Ghosting is a severe form of emotional abuse, on par with cheating. There is no respectfulness in either. Verbal abuse, even though reprehensible and hurtful, is not as insidious as pretending that, not only you ceased to exist, but also all that you ever had together was void of any true meaning, feelings or purpose, and therefore not even worthy any acknowledgement. People don't become abusers because their partner does something wrong. The fault lies with the abusers. I agree that depending on the circumstances ghosting could be a form of emotional abuse; but again, depending on the circumstances it could also be a form of self protection against something like screaming and shouting. Screaming and shouting isn't any sort of acknowledgement that a person was a part of someone's life; it's a great confirmation they shouldn't be. I think sometimes it's in your own head. Like, I have found it difficult to just explain to someone who is coming on to me that I don't want to be with them and instead having ignored it and hoped it would stop. I thought that if I told them I didn't want what they wanted they would go berserk. But then I hit 29 and decided that I was too old to run away from things like that so I started to tell people who I didn't want to date that I didn't want to date them in a nice way and you know what? They thanked me for it. I know it's different circumstances because these aren't even people I dated, they were just people who were 'chasing' hate that term me, but I still thought they'd go nuts when I said no or cry, or you know, something. But actually they said: Thanks for clearing the air and treating me with respect. It's really, really odd behaviour to get abusive at someone when all they're doing is breaking up. I can see someone retailiating if they have been treated badly, but otherwise I can't see it happening. If it's happened to you more than once you might want to question the following: 1 Are you going out with extremely hot tempered people? Or 2 Are you speaking to people a little disrespectfully, because the only times I've got angry at a date is when I have been spoken down to... My point was that even if they do decide to shout, sometimes you just got to do the right thing anyway. I think it's very rare people behave like that, but even if they do it's not a reason to lower your own standards of behaviour unless you're in actual physical danger. Take the high ground? That was what happened to me. My ex for many year, just disappeared one day. He wrote me an sms saying it was over and that was it. Years later, I found out that the reason was he had fathered a child with someone else. He acknowledge I was good to him, we got along great in many areas but, he he was a scumbag that couldn't keep it in his pants. Ghosting someone that was abusive to you in some way, is not something I reprehend at all. However acting cowardly when everything seems well, is a different situation. Personally, when I have disappeared on someone, it was because I was afraid of losing my own temper. I was afraid that my anger at their behaviors would surface. I was worried that I would end up basically telling them every single thing that I didn't like about them, or that I would begin to scream. I mean, in each case, there was a reason that was strong enough that I no longer wanted anything to do with that person. I found out years later that in each case a third party had interfered, maliciously, by telling the person s something that affected them deeply. It one case it wasn't true, in the other it was, but it was more complicated than I understood at the time, as in we had an unspoken agreement to pursue something in the future but were separated by geography and were young. In both cases it would have been nice to know why. First, people don't often disappear from good relationships. Second, both sexes can get crazy when you try to end things. Women can get vindictive and men can get abusive and there is nothing gained by enduring that. Third, I don't hear that you're not interested.... Just walk away and they will... Months of this went by until she needed me to watch her kids, which I did because my kids were desperate to see them. She said that because I wasn't in the group this other woman was, my xbff and I couldn't be friends anymore. The ghosting hurt like a sonuvabitch. For about six months we ate at each other's homes, shopped together and our sons had sleep-overs. I shared in her excitement about their upcoming home purchase even though it would take them 10 miles away and to a new school district. On the last evening we actually talked, she told me about her anger toward her teenager's best friend for wearing the same dress to prom and I talked her down from it. She then gushed on and on about how I'm so easy to talk to, how I always have a way of putting everything in its proper perspective and how happy she is with our friendship. That was apparently the kiss of death because she avoided me thereafter. Weeks later in December I went to her new home to drop off a gift. She didn't offer to show me around and acted so cold I asked her point blank what I had done to offend her. To this day, it still bothers me. I can't reconcile how she could be so warm and close to me and then dump me so coldly without warning as if we were mere temporary furnishings to be left behind with the old house when they moved. For the best part of 10 years I was close friends I thought with a woman who lived in a nearby town. We are in the same creative field and met through a workshop. During those years, we would meet often for coffee and to discuss creative projects as well as much else besides. Last summer she put up a rather cold and by definition impersonal post on social media, saying she was thrilled to have sold her house. The post made it clear she was moving to the other end of the country I live in England. I was surprised understatement that she hadn't mentioned this to me personally or, at least sent an email. About a month later we met I felt she was reluctant during which meeting she was stand-offish and oddly hostile. A month later, without meeting up again, she moved. I pm'ed her via social media: again, silence. I told myself to begin with that she was simply experiencing the stress of moving. Then I wondered if she had been diagnosed with a serious illness and didn't want to tell me and perhaps others? I have now realized, belatedly, that for reasons known only to her, she has disappeared from my life. I emailed her three weeks ago and told her how puzzled and upset I have been, a carefully-worded letter that was understated: again, no response. She always came over as a very independent person but now I reflect on it, I think she lacks self-awareness and, yes, emotional intelligence. In all those years, I never saw what I would describe as unkindness but this sort of behaviour IS unkind. I see her quite often on social media and her posts are, invariably, all about how much she loves her new life and her new friends and how she should have moved years ago! It is very painful and, as the article said, left me feeling disposable and used. In my experience, I have noticed it is almost always the passive-aggressive personality types who resort to this. As a result, I am wary of P-A personalities, and I can spot them fairly quickly. It still hurts and has left me with pain. I have worked through it and learned to love myself regardless of how others treat me. I am a pretty humble person who has a lot of significant advantages in life, and I've been careful never to call attention or enumerate those to virtually anyone. But people know and can tell how good another person has it, if they are close to you. And for many, the green-eyed monster is a difficult thing to master. To go no contact NC is the only way to disengage from people with NPD, and this article tells them how to seek self-pity for being ghosted.

We can save no one but ourselves. Jesus help, and if you feel they are better done through chats or messenger then do that. From a real soul with a big heart. Will your significant other take time to hear and acknowledge the way you feel. Personally, when I have disappeared on someone, it was because I was solo of losing my own temper. And the most precious part is that it comes from someone who has been through it. It is that simple.